Saturday, May 25, 2013

    In the past year, my life has changed completely. I never for one minute thought I would be where I am today. I never expected Mandy would be gone. I never really thought I would have the courage and the strength to go on without her. And yet, here I am finally sitting down to write this down..
     At first when Mandy passed, I was angry and bitter. The way she died was so wrong and so unfair. The powers that be took advantage of the fact that she was a Lesbian. Texas law is so archaic and out of date that it makes Texas one of the worst states to live in if you are an LGBT citizen. The best advice I can give you is DON'T WAIT! Get a will now! And make sure it is air tight! Make sure no one can contest it! Make sure it is everything you want. You have no idea how important this is!!!!
     When I felt the depression pulling me under I got scared, I had been there before after a particularly bad break-up, and after my mother passed away. It is not a place anyone wants to be. That anger and bitterness can drag you down until all you feel is anger and resentment. It can affect every aspect of your life and make you so miserable you have no idea how to come out of it. I know I've been there.
     One day I was sitting in front of my computer and I could not stop crying. I kept thinking about Mandy and how she died. I kept hoping she didn't feel any pain, that she had no idea what was going on. Suddenly I felt a pair of arms wrap itself around me and a sense of peace that I hadn't felt since Mandy's passing. I knew that Mandy was with me. It was then that I knew I was headed down the wrong path. I realized this is not what Mandy wanted for me. Many times we had spoken about what would happen to me if something should happen to her. Many times she told me what she wished for me and what I was putting myself through was not it. Mandy and I still had so many plans together. We wanted to travel and spend times with friends and family. My birthday was 3 days after she passed and I could not get into the birthday spirit. Somehow, I knew that I had to find a way to enjoy my life. The best way I knew how to do that was to live for her, for me to do the things she still wanted to do. I felt sure that by doing that I would find a way to get on with my life.

More to come.....


  1. You seem to carry a lot of love with you. That's so important in these times.

  2. Thank you so much for reading my blog. I am sorry I have not kept up with it. I will try to do better.